Today, we had our first training after Adivs had ended. It was about a 2 week break, and I didn’t maintain my fitness at all during the entire period. Needless to say, I felt faint and weak during training and got exhausted really easily. But that’s not the main point uh. Mr Yeo had decided that today would be the day to nominate the floorball exco.
I always wanted to become the captain. Ever since I got a simple post as a logistics head(disregarding staff sgt rank) in NCC, I became uncontempt with not being able to test my leadership and responsibility. I wanted to become a platoon commander. I wanted a position that allowed me to stretch my capabilities. But I never had a chance. It was awful, being disregarded and mocked as just a room cleaner by the people who actually got those positions. I felt that I deserved the positions more than them.
That dissatisfaction transformed into a provoking urge to strive for the top position. I told my floorball mates I wanted to be captain. I gave it my all every training. I tried to motivate the team every chance I got. I never gave up trying to give my best. I really did. The hunger manifested into a confident and stronger self than before. I tried to be humble and never mocked my teammates who weren’t in the team, interacting with them, trying to be inclusive. It sounds pleasant and all, but amidst it all, I forgot to ask myself if I was actually capable of being a captain.
Yes, it ended up in a vote between the J1s that got me elected as the captain of floorball. I wasn’t shocked. My closer teammates said they would vote for me. I was happy, but not overjoyed. With all respect for my teammates, I expected it. But I felt quite conflicted. When Mr Yeo revealed the captain, it abruptly dawned on me that I may not be fit for the role, even though I had wanted it so much. It was because I didn’t give it my all during the training session and used my surgery as an excused to sit out during drills halfway. It was because I felt so ill-disciplined to have gamed since holidays had started and didn’t actually do any homework or conditioning. I’ve always seen myself as an irresponsible and ill-disciplined child who has never been the most hardworking student in class. As soon as I got the position, I didn’t know what to do. I felt the heavy burden of being as charismatic as Joshua, as inspiring as Kumar and as diligent as Ivan on my shoulders. What do I even have to offer as a captain?
Mr Yeo told me, “For the past few years every captain has had their unique traits lah. You may not need to be as outspoken as Joshua, but I’m sure you have something to offer yourself ah. I’m quite confident in you.”
It was then that I started to feel even more shaken. I was intimidated by his immediate expectation, afraid by his potential disappointment, and terrified of the failure I may become. I don’t know what I had to offer to the team. I still feel that the only reason I got the role was because I was closer to the majority of my teammates, not because I was more capable than the rest. I don’t feel like I am a clear-cut-must-be captain, and I don’t feel like I was someone whom other people see and think, “This guy looks like a captain to me.” I was scared of the responsibility of being a role model and a ‘stand-out figure’ I have to bear, and the sacrifices I have to make. And being scared is definitely not what I would want my captain to be.
I have a lot to work on. After this is posted, I only look ahead. Let me use this as the motivation I always needed to stop making excuses for myself. I only improve myself, improve my game, and improve my life. I have a lot of things to look toward, and disappointment won’t be one, let’s go Kai